Published March 1, 2005
Moop. What happened to my other story thread? O.o
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139,605 Literary Works • 672,618 Reviews
Just for all you folks that've been posting here... This is my old, OLD story. I wrote this when I was 13... I'm now 15, The Wanderings (v2) is my current project.
Well, you seem to have loads of reviews on this already, but since i read it i will say my peice
Ok, i wont point out mistakes now as that has already been done, but i really loved this. I agree with Fool on the dream bit but other than that well done this is really good stuff!
Miyaviloves
Well this story is certainly going somewhere, and its going a break-neck speed. I liked it, the story was interesting, i could get to like Wyes the more i get to know of him. I also like the idea, i can't tell where its going but i like where it's been if you see what i mean.
Right, now to the serious stuff. GRAMMER. Please use some full stops, i could point out all the occasions when i had to read back to see if i could keep up with the story, you've got the comma sorted but break up some of the longer sentances.
I know it does not often take much, but the start confused me and its the only thing that really bugged me throughout the whole story. This is the bit i mean
[quote]Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself. He reached out to touch his mother, she just smiled and faded into nothingness .He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black. He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that. Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife. The image changed. Wyes saw himself holding a dagger walking along a long winding road that led to rugged snow capped mountains. Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder. He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed. He trekked up to the mountains were he disappeared of the face of the planet for five years. Then he reappeared when he was sixteen skilled in Archery and Swordsmanship, this was a year ago.
Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling[/quote]
I thougt this was a dream, it starts as a dream and you say it finishes as a dream when Wyes wakes up from the dream. But in the middle you say about him being a social outcast and wandering of to the mountains coming back when he's 16. That does not fitt in with a dream, the rest of the story says this actually happened, that after his parents were murdered he went of to the mountains, but its written in a dream, which made me confussed. If its going to work, you need to explain that he's 16, been to the mountains first, then explain the reason, ie, his parents murder. That would honestly make it easier to follow.
The rest is pretty good, the story's going somewhere, sort out the grammer and its going to be a really good read.
Looking forward to the next part. Keep writing
I think you are over uh... fancing your thoughts into words. The rest of the story was good.
Just so you know, the whole hurricane/cyclone/typhoon thing, when I wrote that part, I didn't know about that (seeming that part was written almost a year or 2 ago)
Now, as for the ingot. This particular ingot, is my own ingot, my own currency, but I suppose I should have somehow gotten that across to the reader.
'This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it? '
Happens to be one of my favourite books. And yes I was thinking the same thing when I wrote that particular scene.
and I've just gotten really lazy and not gotten around to it, i'll have to make myself get around to it this weekend.
I didn't do any of those examples or find any of those mistakes for her. *is proud*
*says primly* We're Australian, they're cyclones. Americans call them hurricanes, the Japanese call them typhoons, and we call them cyclones. So, unless you're trying to set this in America, which judging from the time setting you aren't, I think "cyclone" is better. Also, that sentence sounds ... awkward. I'd go with something like "The town was named Sorrowind because it was frequently battered by cyclones".
PS, what sort of climate is this set in? You mention jungles, panthers and cyclones (tropical cyclones only occurr within a certain distance from the equator ... not sure about other types, haven't learnt them) so I guess tropical from that ... but the social structure seems European.
The apostrophe is wrong, is should be girl's because the bed belongs to only one girl.
*rubble
Hmmmm ... I don't know if there would have been hospitals in the time you set your story in. I'm not sure though ... but I'm pretty sure that in England doctors were called surgeons and they had some pretty barbaric medicine practices. Also, I don't a doctor would send away help in the middle of a medical crisis. If the doctors held some high status, it would have to be pretty high for their pride to be worth the deaths of innocent people in their care. They'd need people to carry things around for them, pass things, comfort patients etc. They'd need the help.
Do you know what an ingot is? It's a bar of some kind of metal. 500 gold (pure gold too, no carats back then) ingots is A LOT of money.
Whoa, yeah impressive. It was the Chinese who went in for reloading, rapid fire crossbows. Europeans only got the ones with all the extras as big weapons that needed stands and a few men working them as far as I know ... but since I don't know where you've set your story, this is just an interesting fact. But I would like to say that invincible weapons aren't good for a stories health, so it had better take a long time to leload with another clip ...
Also, you seem to be writing a lot more naturally when using the terms used for guns. Maybe you'd enjoy writing in other genres that you can use guns in too?
You had doctors before, but now they're called healers? might need to check back on that.
That's a pretty short conversation. I'd lengthen it, but not by adding information about the weather and things. Here, there is no new infor mation conveyed except for that she has a sword, and is in the same place as him. You don't need to tell us they're talking about stuff we already know happened, it's just repetitive. Also, he saved her life, but when they see each other they talk for about five seconds then just walk away. It's just not ... realistic.
It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money FULLSTOP Actually, he was surprised he didn't think of if before.
Read the sentence, pause at commas, breath on fullstops ... try this when editing. These sentences make it hard to read.
That gold ingots thing still bugs me ... pure gold is worth a lot, but you're using huge sums like 500, or 1000 and acting like it was nothing ... the land must be made of gold for it to be worth so little.
Plate armour, (I'd like to see the Australia spelling form you too) even half plate armour must be tailored to the wearer. You can't just walk into a shop and buy it. Someone needs to take measurment, they need to go away and make it ... it takes time. Plus, I think you made it to cheap. In Europe only knights could afford it.
Do the reading thing again.
And this bit too.
Reading wasn't the sort of thing a blacksmith's son could do back then. And I doubt they'd write anything on a sign for that very reason, all the signs would be in symbols. Like a picture of a hammer for a backsmith ... I can't remember where I learnt that.
Read that too.
This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it?
Did they have needles then? I don't know, but I doubt it. Also, I think back then, the most reliable tranquilizer would be a blow to the head, I don't think they had aneseptic, because most of their surgery was performed with the patient well and truly awake.
You must write 2 as two, because the number is lower than ... I think it's 100, I don't remember exactly.
Plus all this dialogue needs to be throughly check over for gramma and punctuation errors.
no no no no ... wait ... I thought he only dreamed that ...
Overall, this was a very interesting story, and I liked it. You really need to work on your grammer though. Also, I noticed that the further you went into the story, the better the quality of your writting became. Your characters gained there own distinct "voices" and the dialogue seemed much smoother and less forced. Well done!!!
Grammer is no problem to fix, as long as you get round to it. Thinking that grammer is no problem, and putting it off will only make it never get fixed. Plus, it's really annoying reading an intersting story through a veil of bad grammer...
Hi I'm only eleven so I might not know that much yet about grammer and stuff ... but still ... I'll try.
Before I start I'm just going to tell you that I think this is a really good story that I enjoyed reading ... but you need to work on your grammer.
Now, we begin (PS, El's my sister, can you tell?)
I don't think you need to write "down" twice. It sounds repetive.
I like this bit, it's good.
You need to add punctuation before ending speach marks. Also, you need to put fullstops at the end of sentences so "she said" needs a fullstop.
CAPITAL LETTERS begin sentences, "welcome" needs a capital. (and punctuation before closing speach marks)
Ditto, and for the rest of your dialogue throughout the story.
I'd put a fullstop between "girl" and "the girl"
Yet again, this needs to end with a fullstop. I hate that "she was tall and thin" there needs to be a conjunction between "brown eyes" and "she was ...". We've been learning about conjuntions, they're joining words. I got full marks on the test!
Plus, show don't tell. Like you do "her long brown hair was matted with blood" or "her long brown hair blew in her face" or "Her eyes were as dark as the room surrounding her..." You know, go nuts with that, because it's more interesting then "she had long (COMMA, It's a list after all) straight (COMMA) dark brown hair".
Read that in one breath, with no pauses except for the comma (NO breaths, just a puase). I can't do it. Now rewrite it.
Wyes was knocked out for the second time that day; the next thing he remembered is the girl jumping off the roof.Wyes woke up underneath a bed of ruble, he felt tremendous amount of pain in his ribs Wyes was trying to think what did this to him but he couldn’t recall what happened, it all came back to him in a few minutes when he looked around were he laid.Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him. It was the remains of his long Bow.Wyes laid there for what seemed like hours, all of the sudden he came up with an idea.
*swears* I had a HUGE critique done, as an edit to the last post, and it went and logged me out because it took so long, and didn't post it. Damn. I'll come back and do it again tomorrow, I'm tired now.
OK, well, I'm back already because I finished all my homework and got bored.
i don't get how he knew it was a week later ... I mean "later" I could understand, but how does he know it's been a week? This might well be one of my dumb moments though...
Show don't tell! How does he know the figure of himself he's seeing is a social outcast anyway?
*cracks fingers* Right.
First, I'm going to be nit-picky, so don't take it personnally.
Secondly, I might not finish all this now, if not I'll come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off.
And now ...
um ... do you know how to use commas? Because, if you don't I'll run through something now which I always keep in mind when writing them, it may help you. "Commas indicate a pause."
Ok, so The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. read that, pausing where ever you hit a comma ... where should the commas NOT be? I think It would be better to write it something like this The village of Holtmeir wasn't a loud, busy place (eliminate the "one" thing too, which sounded wrong to my ear). This did not mean it wasn't beautiful, with luscious forests and their diverse flora and funa (I would avoid that "flora and funa" bit, actually). Near the outskirts lived a small family. In the family there was a father, a mother and a son (or better yet, a blacksmith, his wife and their son, elimiating the need to say the father was a blacksmith) ... etc Something like that. And, merely on a note of curiousity, why does a blacksmith want to live on the outskirts of town? I'd want my shop right in the middle, with all the competition, and my house either next door, or on the next floor which was how things tended to be organised in the middle ages ....
Cut down on the forms of the verb "to be" here (but don't follow the rule over the edge of the earth, "was" is not a bad word unless it's used too often) A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down Well, I think the second sentence there needs changing to something else ... you know, something poetic and all that stuff or you could go He had known the storm was brewing for some time, now the weather broke and rain battered down .... etc
I believe someone has already suggested changing this to separate sentences. I'd do that.
Instead of and everything went black you could try to eliminate that "and" by going something like leaving him in blackness. And's get annoying after a while.
Sentences need to be divided and lengthened in this passage "A sentence is a single idea" -- thankyou Mr Rowe, my year 9 English teacher. Try to keep that in mind when you can't seem to get a sentence right. Also, try to show us what Wyes is feeling. Because, if my mother was stabbed in front of me ... I wouldn't just scream, I'd be in shock, which means I'd be feeling sick, my legs would be shakey, I'd also be filled with disbelief, riddled with doubt whether the dream is true or not, and I'd be scared shitless (pardon my French). I might be too shock to scream, I wouldn't know for certain, my mother has never been stabbed in front of me. Wyes must be pretty insensitive too just scream.
And as for the rest ... add poetry ... you know "romance". Be fancy. A little metaphor and some similies would brighten this bit up to no end. Stuff like "fast as lightning".
Ok, I'll continue this tomorrow, I've gone WAY over my "time limit" (which I've been ignoring lately) and the Simpsons are on.
Past Tense
and yeah, I haven't really gotten around to editing it. (I've got the time, i'm just extremely lazy)
Cool. I don't like the beginning though. You should have put " Storm brew overhead." That's all.
Added an un-finished prologue.
And Ray, I still haven't finished part 1
Glad to see that you posted it.
Has it been edited at all since my review? I did not bother to read it before commenting.
Get crackin man! Get us a part two!
~Reyu
hey dude
funky story
anyway ummm yh
byeeeeeeeeeeee
xxxluv yaxxxx
It's got a really good plot and it's written quite well but what I would suggest is to put in more description like you've been thinking. Slow it down a little and make it move more smoothly, at the moment it keeps jumping. It kind of feels like I'm reading something more close to a plot line than an actual story. Otherwise it's quite a good story so far.
lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix.
Two seperate thoughts. Split them - "Wyes saw his parents. How can this be? he thought to himself." Or something like that. Anyhow, I think we need more details on this. You don't really have enough. Too briefly done. Doesn't do the situation justice.
First bit before the first comma is not needed. Just amalgamate the first two bits into "He saw his house," The sentence could do with some restructuring too. Maybe, - "He saw his house, but the door was left wide open, which was unusual. His family never left the door open."
I think we should have learnt by now *shakes fists* Split different ideas! "Everything became hazy, and then (slowly) came into focus." The adverb is in brackets because I think one is needed here.
Yeh, I'm going to stop highlighting the same mistakes. Just put commas in better places, okay?
Also, by reading the description, I think it's a little rushed and not elaborate. Slow it down, insert a few more adjectives, a few more adverbs, a bit more emtoion! Delve into the guy's mind, let's feel it a bitmore.
Anyway, it's alright at the moment. I'll plug away some more later.
A storm was brewing over him....
Hmm, how about, "A storm brewed overhead," or something like that?
The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run...
That sort of made it hard to understand, like it really didn't flow. I think you should say something like, "Wyes began to run as the wind blew things off the ground," but even that doesn't work. What is being picked up off the ground? I need more description to get into this.
My biggest problems were your sentences. Like, I do tend to be an really in depth editor, because I'm good at making things flow, but I really don't have time right now. Basically everything's just really choppy, and it the sentences don't flow smoothly into each other. But your plot and storyline are really good, it's just a matter of getting the flow down. Hope that helped!
I've read the first bit and its really good. I have school to go to so I'll comment after I get back! I really can't wait to read the rest!
Oh, thanks for the comments people, thank you all. I'll try and finish this soon so you can read the rest
This story was very good. You've certainly got talent!! YEAHHH!!!!
Good work.
I'm not going to go into as much detail as some people, and that would be pointless as I've already told you about the spelling errors I found when you emailed it to me. Oh Well.
hm i would say everything went blank or something...but its your story lol
Sure i have no problems with that, also, i won't be posting any more of this story until i finish part 1, or showing what i have edited, it can be time consuming. I have also found that most people believe that you shouldn't edit your stories until after you have finished them. Other than that, thanks everyone.
~~Shadow~Knight~~
This is general and quick, but Firestarter hit most of it:
I, personally, would refrain from starting with the date, place, or time. I think it slows everything down, and the reader should be able to pick up on what time frame it is.
Just implement it into the story.
Most of your sentences are really choppy. My suggestion is to read over your sentences right after you write them, and judge how repetitive or how much sense it makes. Especially that first sentence; it makes the reader cringe if you have a mistake in it or if it doesn't make sense.
A lot of problems are within the dialouge, too. It seems way too fast-paced and unrealistic, and you rarely put puncutation in. Periods DO belong at the end of statements. Most of it lacked commas, also.
Something else that bugged me is that the dialouge ALWAYS started with "Hi, I'm ...."
or "Hi Wyes" or it lacked a comma and went "hi I'm ..."
See the problems here? It seems like they are just greeting each other and leaving.
Mainly, it's just way too choppy. Please read it over and make it flow better. I really lost interest.
Thanks for the help for that first part, there should be less mistakes further through the story because it was written over a long period of time in which my writing skills developed more
Thanks for the help
~~Shadow~Knight~~
General edits:
Wyes walked along the path.
Hmm...'over' doesn't seem the right preposition here...I think perhaps 'above' would be better..so that would be "A storm was brewing above him".
The first comma should be a semi-colon...."The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked..." My suggestion would be to break this into two seperate sentences anyway. Also, you used "sky" twice in the sentence. Repetition withint a sentence is not a good thing unless it is purposeful, which in this context, it was not. Change one of them to something else.
There's no need for two pronouns in this sentence, as you have already established who the subject is. Change it to, "He searched the surroundings, and noticed light seeping through the forest ahead." The other problem I have with this sentence is it's lack of descriptive adverbs. You're not painting the picture well enough - because you began the story with no descriptive backdrop of the surrounding area, we are left hopelessly bereft of any knowledge of where the character is. Some description is badly needed in this first paragraph. Try and insert some of your sentences with a few more adjectives and adverbs and prepositions...e.g. "and noticed light seeping through the nearby forest, which was usually dark." Bad example, but you should get my point.
And how does this character make such a intelligent deduction? You gave us no information about the lights beforehand! Perhaps if you've described the lights as "like far-off swinging latterns dispersed in a variety of directions," the reader may have some sort of clue that this would be his assumption. It seems a little unlikely otherwise that Wyes would know this. Also, you seem to have missed some words in the clause after the comma, as it is confusing. I think it should be "and so he started towards the light."
You have put the most important part of the sentence at the end, which makes it difficult to read. I think you should re-arrange it - "Wyes began to run as the wind picked up and objects were thrown across his path," is an example.
I think you should add something in about his life being in danger, otherwise no tension is built up. Something akin to "Lightning was viciously striking the trees all around him, and he was sprinting for his life." Also, you end this paragraph far too soon. Add in a few extra sentences before the second sentence "Everything went black."
Here's an example - "Lightning was viciousl striking the trees all around him, and he was literally sprinting for his life. As he darted left and right, a burnt tree trunk was threwn just behind his back, and he breathed a quick sigh of relief. But the danger wasn't over - the storm wasn't finished with him. Incandescent flashes streaked just ahead and the ground exploded in front of him. Everything went black..."
I don't usually re-write people's writing for them, but I thought you might need some suggestions to work on.
Okay, that was the first paragraph, lol. I'll do some more when I have the time.
General issues are lack of adverbs and descriptive sentences.
Its a really good story. I've read it alot.
There we go, thats how its supposed to be, remind me, NEVER USE THE 'Pre' BUTTON EVER AGAIN!
Ahhh!
I'll read this once it's in paragraphs.
It was supposed to be seperated into paragraphs, oh well, thanks for the comment, i'll read your story now
I found this story very enjoyable to read. Next time, could you separate your story into paragraphs? That makes it a lot easier to read.
I had fun reading yours so please read mine!